The Axeman

Old School Serial Killer from New Orleans – He wrote this letter to the editor of his local newspaper as he was killing people, and it was published in 1919.  This guy was a full blown axe murderer who never got caught. The letter is worth reading, trust me….


Hell, March 13, 1919

Esteemed Mortal:

They have never caught me and they never will. They have never seen me, for I am invisible, even as the ether that surrounds your earth. I am not a human being, but a spirit and a demon from the hottest hell. I am what you Orleanians and your foolish police call the Axeman.

When I see fit, I shall come and claim other victims. I alone know whom they shall be. I shall leave no clue except my bloody axe, besmeared with blood and brains of he whom I have sent below to keep me company.

If you wish you may tell the police to be careful not to rile me. Of course, I am a reasonable spirit. I take no offense at the way they have conducted their investigations in the past. In fact, they have been so utterly stupid as to not only amuse me, but His Satanic Majesty, Francis Josef, etc. But tell them to beware. Let them not try to discover what I am, for it were better that they were never born than to incur the wrath of the Axeman. I don‘t think there is any need of such a warning, for I feel sure the police will always dodge me, as they have in the past. They are wise and know how to keep away from all harm.

Undoubtedly, you Orleanians think of me as a most horrible murderer, which I am, but I could be much worse if I wanted to. If I wished, I could pay a visit to your city every night. At will I could slay thousands of your best citizens, for I am in close relationship with the Angel of Death.

Now, to be exact, at 12:15 (earthly time) on next Tuesday night, I am going to pass over New Orleans. In my infinite mercy, I am going to make a little proposition to you people. Here it is:

I am very fond of jazz music, and I swear by all the devils in the nether regions that every person shall be spared in whose home a jazz band is in full swing at the time I have just mentioned. If everyone has a jazz band going, well, then, so much the better for you people. One thing is certain and that is that some of your people who do not jazz it on Tuesday night (if there be any) will get the axe.

Well, as I am cold and crave the warmth of my native Tartarus, and it is about time I leave your earthly home, I will cease my discourse. Hoping that thou wilt publish this, that it may go well with thee, I have been, am and will be the worst spirit that ever existed either in fact or realm of fancy.

– The Axeman

The Case for Common Sense

If you want to protect your family from the slim chance of a home invasion, you have this right as an American. Get a glock with a magazine that holds 20-30 rounds, a security system, and a pit bull. If you need more than this, you are either way too paranoid or you’re a fucking pussy. First of all, ‘Scarface’ was just a movie. And in case you watched that movie, the arsenal of weapons Al Pacino had didn’t do him much good. Get over this whole bullshit Second Amendment right to bear machine guns and rocket launchers. Learn how to shoot a reasonable gun, or go fuck yourself.

I know the classic NRA comeback, so I will knock it down right now: “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” Okay, excellent point. Here is my response: “People who are firing a weapon with high-capacity magazines that shoot 100 rounds per minute will kill a lot more fucking people than those with 20-30 rounds.” So the question comes down to how many dead children do we want to bury? I personally would rather see less dead kids when some psychopath decides to go buck wild. I will agree that we cannot prevent the violent behavior of every individual. But we can indeed take steps to prevent the casualties that result from such behavior.


Another NRA classic: “More guns prevent gun violence, so we should keep an armed guard at all schools.” Rebuttal: “If I’m a raging psychopath who wants to kill people, the first person I’ll shoot is the guy with the gun. Crazy people are not stupid.” And besides this point, who is paying for the armed guard? The State? Are we gonna get rid of the history department or girls athletics to pay for this guy to stand out in front of school all day? I know the Feds aren’t paying for it as long as there is a GOP-controlled House of Representatives. Stupid fucking idea unless you disguise the guy as an administrator somehow, and even so, who pays for it?

The NRA blames video games and movies for a violent culture in America that is ultimately responsible for such shootings. This may be the dumbest shit I ever heard. Yeah we should just slash the 1st Amendment in favor of the second. Even for an NRA douchebag, this is pretty fucking ridiculous. And the other idea gaining popularity is to arm all teachers. Wow. I’m thinking the people who came up with this one have never been to an actual city. Maybe this will work in West Texas, but the sixth graders at schools in Chicago will take that fucking gun from little Ms. Johnson before she is done giving her syllabus. This dude may not shoot up the school, but he’ll shoot someone with that fucking gun. Now you got state-issued firearms being used to commit murders all over American cities. Fabulous idea.

Bottom line is this: There is no need for assault weapons or high-capacity magazines unless you want to kill a shitload of people in a very small amount of time. If you are not currently in the military, than this should not apply to you. Hell, most military operations don’t even require that type of firepower anymore. If you are a gun nut conspiracy theorist, trust me, the government is not gonna snatch all your firearms and prevent you from forming a 1790-style militia. And I got news for you, if they wanted to do so, they could do it easily no matter how much firepower you have. They could drop a fucking missile on your house from 5,000 miles away. Therefore, even if your dumbass conspiracy were to come true, you are still fucked. So let’s just agree to ban assault rifles and limit some senseless casualties. This should not be a partisan issue. It’s a fucking issue of humanity.

– Kevin