Back in Black

Regrettably, NWR has been on somewhat of a hiatus since 2013. It doesn’t make sense for me to go back and try to cover 4 years of news, but I’d like to use this post to reflect on some important events…

Since my last post was a discussion about the future of the Catholic Church, I believe it’s worth mentioning that the Church did good in its pope selection. Pope Francis is almost too good to be true. Unlike every other pope in modern history, he is not a hardliner on social issues such as abortion and gay rights. He still recognizes the official Church positions, but they are not a priority. Rather, he is focused primarily on poverty, globalization, women’s rights, and economic empowerment. In other words, he actually gives a shit about things that matter. This is radically progressive behavior for a pope. Anyway, solid move by the cardinals to pick that guy.

What else happened since the NWR blackout?

After 60 years of tension and a full scale economic embargo, the U.S. finally restored diplomatic relations with Cuba. Good news if it stands, but should have happened 25 years ago. The policy was implemented at the height of the cold war in 1960 after Fidel Castro seized control of the country. The Bay of Pigs invasion and Cuban Missile Crisis happened when Kennedy was POTUS. Point being, we had legitimate beef with Cuba back in the 60s and vice-versa. Not so much after the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991. Since then, we’ve had a Cuban embargo in place because Florida is a swing state in presidential elections, and Cuban refugees have always been a huge GOP constituency there. That’s the only fucking reason.

In other news, thanks to cell phone cameras and (ironically) police car cams, America is finally getting to see how easy it is for police to shoot unarmed black people with no repercussions. There’s still no legal consequences in most cases, but I suppose the video footage is at least embarrassing for the cops. These incidents finally gave the civil rights community enough media exposure to support a political movement to prevent this injustice. But unfortunately, they fucked it all up by giving it a stupid name (Black Lives Matter) and having a mindless douchebag as their public face (Colin Kapernick).

What else?

ISIS has continued to raise hell in Iraq, Syria, Europe, and many other places throughout the world. But there’s a lot of moving parts to that situation, so I’d rather dedicate a full post to that story later.

In entertainment news, the world finally discovered that Bill Cosby is a hardcore sexual predator, and has been for decades. Sadly, Robin Williams passed away from an apparent suicide. And most recently, Donald J. Trump has been elected to the office of President of the United States of America. We are living in interesting times. It may be an exciting time for some people, scary for others, and indifferent to the silent majority of sheep out there. However you look at it, there’s one indisputable fact that nobody can deny: America needs The Noonan World Report… now more than ever.

– Kevin

Vatican III Action Plan

Born and raised an Irish Catholic, I believe it is my duty to offer the Church some free advice before they select a new Pope.  Right now seems like a good time to convene a much overdue Third Vatican Council.  The conclave of cardinals will be meeting next month, and I am told that between 75-80 cardinals are indeed loyal readers of The Noonan World Report.  Therefore, I am hopeful that some bold changes will be taken under consideration.

As with any profitable business, the Church must capitalize on its strengths.  In my view, the Catholic Church has some clear competitive advantages: most notably its brand awareness, fund-raising capacity, and Jesus.  No doubt the brand has been damaged by the child sexual abuse scandal.  But some transparency and a little common sense can go a long way in this regard.  First off, stop raping little boys.  And if you learn that one of your priests is molesting children, don’t play legal games with the statute of limitations.  Have him tried in a criminal court, and do not allocate resources to defend him.  When he is convicted and sent to prison, he will most likely experience many years of rape himself.  This new policy will not only act as a deterrent for future predators, but it will also save millions of dollars in unnecessary legal fees.

In regards to fund-raising and growth opportunities, some gender tolerance could prove to be a useful tool.  The patriarchal business model is not as effective in 2013 as it was in 213 A.D.  Your target market is humans, and half of the human population is female.  Unfortunately, the power gap has narrowed somewhat between males and females over the past 2,000 years.  I understand abortion is off the table, but let’s chill out on the contraception issue.  We should all agree that life does not begin at ejaculation.  Also, given the weakness in our current priest labor market, perhaps now it is time to allow women into the clergy.  Granted they are annoying at times, but if trained properly, I believe they can perform the task of priest effectively.  The male market is saturated, so it’s time to expand.  Add these provisions to our Vatican III reforms.

In addition to these structural changes, I also believe there needs to be some fundamental changes in theology.  Let’s make it simple – get rid of the Old Testament altogether.  To be brutally honest, the Old Testament is total bullshit.  It is a collection of revisionist history that has been lost in translation over 5,000 years.  Quite frankly, it is Jewish Scripture, and it has proven to be more effective at starting wars and confusing Catholics than anything else.  I grew up in Catholic schools wondering why the Old Testament god was such a douchebag compared to the New Testament god.  It never made any sense.  So as part of the Vatican III accord, the Church should relentlessly promote the teachings of Jesus, and stop printing the Old Testament in new publications of the Bible.

Jesus was a total beast.  It is impossible to disagree with anything he ever said or did.  As a religious organization, or business, you should be promoting your best product.  And Jesus is without a doubt the iPhone of the Catholic Church.  So instead of lobbying against gay and women’s rights, it would serve the Church’s interest to start pumping the only non-controversial asset in its arsenal.

– Kevin