Vatican III Action Plan

Born and raised an Irish Catholic, I believe it is my duty to offer the Church some free advice before they select a new Pope.  Right now seems like a good time to convene a much overdue Third Vatican Council.  The conclave of cardinals will be meeting next month, and I am told that between 75-80 cardinals are indeed loyal readers of The Noonan World Report.  Therefore, I am hopeful that some bold changes will be taken under consideration.

As with any profitable business, the Church must capitalize on its strengths.  In my view, the Catholic Church has some clear competitive advantages: most notably its brand awareness, fund-raising capacity, and Jesus.  No doubt the brand has been damaged by the child sexual abuse scandal.  But some transparency and a little common sense can go a long way in this regard.  First off, stop raping little boys.  And if you learn that one of your priests is molesting children, don’t play legal games with the statute of limitations.  Have him tried in a criminal court, and do not allocate resources to defend him.  When he is convicted and sent to prison, he will most likely experience many years of rape himself.  This new policy will not only act as a deterrent for future predators, but it will also save millions of dollars in unnecessary legal fees.

In regards to fund-raising and growth opportunities, some gender tolerance could prove to be a useful tool.  The patriarchal business model is not as effective in 2013 as it was in 213 A.D.  Your target market is humans, and half of the human population is female.  Unfortunately, the power gap has narrowed somewhat between males and females over the past 2,000 years.  I understand abortion is off the table, but let’s chill out on the contraception issue.  We should all agree that life does not begin at ejaculation.  Also, given the weakness in our current priest labor market, perhaps now it is time to allow women into the clergy.  Granted they are annoying at times, but if trained properly, I believe they can perform the task of priest effectively.  The male market is saturated, so it’s time to expand.  Add these provisions to our Vatican III reforms.

In addition to these structural changes, I also believe there needs to be some fundamental changes in theology.  Let’s make it simple – get rid of the Old Testament altogether.  To be brutally honest, the Old Testament is total bullshit.  It is a collection of revisionist history that has been lost in translation over 5,000 years.  Quite frankly, it is Jewish Scripture, and it has proven to be more effective at starting wars and confusing Catholics than anything else.  I grew up in Catholic schools wondering why the Old Testament god was such a douchebag compared to the New Testament god.  It never made any sense.  So as part of the Vatican III accord, the Church should relentlessly promote the teachings of Jesus, and stop printing the Old Testament in new publications of the Bible.

Jesus was a total beast.  It is impossible to disagree with anything he ever said or did.  As a religious organization, or business, you should be promoting your best product.  And Jesus is without a doubt the iPhone of the Catholic Church.  So instead of lobbying against gay and women’s rights, it would serve the Church’s interest to start pumping the only non-controversial asset in its arsenal.

– Kevin

The New Military

The United States military is an antiquated institution that must embrace change if we expect to meet the challenges of the future.  It is a complete joke that it has taken so long for gays to serve openly and for women to serve in combat roles.  When establishing a volunteer force, what purpose does it serve to reduce your potential talent pool based purely on demographic and social factors?  Apparently, it takes the military 10-20 years to adjust to new political realities on the ground.  And the argument that unit cohesion would be disrupted if such measures were taken is total bullshit.  These are trained soldiers, not a bunch of toddlers playing little league.  There are too many stubborn, mindless old men with fancy titles in the military brass.  Most of these pricks will resist change at all costs, regardless of the facts surrounding each issue.

In addition to these internal social issues, the overall structure of the military is archaic in my view.  We have tons of bodies that we can throw into a war, but most of these kids are poor and uneducated.  The wars we fight nowadays do not simply require boots on the ground.  This is not Game of Thrones, where the side with the larger numbers has a huge advantage in warfare.  If that were the case, Japan and China would have been ruling the world for the past 100 years.  We throw uneducated kids into combat situations, as we have always done.  Then when they are done serving, we give them money for education.  This is backwards and nonsensical.

In modern warfare, we do not need massive numbers to charge across an open field towards the enemy with reckless abandon.  Wars now require intelligent soldiers who are skilled in technology, engineering, and medicine among other specialized fields (in addition to traditional combat).  Perhaps most importantly, we need dedicated units who understand the socio-economic and cultural issues present in the countries we plan to invade.  What is the point of having a standing Navy of 350,000 strong, when we only have a few thousand translators who speak Arabic or Farsi?  There is no point.  And most of the translators we use are hired from private contractors.  These contractors are not members of the U.S. military, so who really knows for certain where their loyalties lie.  This is a function of an institution that refuses to adjust to the times.  Would it not make more sense to educate our combat soldiers before we send them overseas?  Mindless training is necessary, but it is no longer enough to fight the wars of today.

In terms of resource utilization, the military is a fucking joke.  First off, we do not need a gigantic navy.  We have military satellites, drones and all kinds of other shit.  We can fire missiles across the world from remote locations.  There is no reason to have a ton of boots on the ground in Korea, Germany or San Diego for that matter.  Give me a break.  We need to cut down our numbers and begin to recruit higher-skilled and educated kids.  If we have to pay more to educate them, so be it.  Regardless, it will still be cheaper than maintaining a large standing army, because we can essentially do more with less.  We live in a military age that requires technological prowess, computer skills, engineering capacity, and targeted Special Forces.  We need less people, but we need them to be highly educated.  This means we need to pay them more.  Unfortunately, the military establishment does not always respond well to common sense solutions.

– Kevin